Daily Thoughts

 January 19,  2010

I am sitting here at work, listening to Pandora and trying to find clinical citations to substantiate the gap in medical care/practices for treating autistic individuals.  And I sit here wishing the same wish I have for the last 8 years- to be on the road, singing.  And I wonder why I really don’t do it.  Why I keep circulating in the same type of job that is responsible and why I feel the need to be conventional when clearly my heart is not.  Why I cant seem to let go. And then it just hit me.  I shove and keep things inside.  And I need to let it out.  It all needs to come out and I need to stop holding on.  It sounds so simple and duh as I write it here on this black and white, but I don’t know – its just time to let go.  Really let it all go.  Run wild in the street.  Fly to Paris if I want.  Chase after a producer.  Play guitar till my fingers bleed.  Wrangle my passion again.  Laugh.  Flaminco dance in Spain.  Run with abandon under a full moon.  Buy a beach cruiser and a basket. I mean, really – why do I feel guilted into doing things that aren’t me?  There are plenty o musicians who have moved forward at their own pace without being swallowed into immorality.  So, today I make a real promise to myself. I wrote down this week on my newly created chalkboard the goal of being kinder to myself.  So, I promise to be serious about the matters of my heart.  And if that involves perceived irresponsibility or bruises, I am ok with that.  Children aren’t afraid – they don’t have hang-ups or fears.  That is something they learn and perceive.  As I stare outside onto the beauty of Maryland’s mini hills, I answer the question of why I am not happy, content.  Because I am not being true to myself – I keep tinkering on the edge of this presipice – I take test flights with the golden wings attached to my body, but test flights only get you down to the edge.

I have music to sing.  I have art to share.  I have a voice to speak. 

I have this image in my mind.  This lovely being, draped in white, with angel wings.  But, she is folded over; crouched, with her wings tucked away.  And all sorts of people and animals cirle around her, sniff it out, etc but it never moves.  Until the sun comes and touches her, and she imerges and gracefully flys away…