Waning Summer Sun
>> Monday, September 20, 2010
I tried to be creative today. To be inspired. To find or do something that was artistic. I was not successful.
I attempted at lunch.
The certified italian pizza place I went to today was delicious. It was fun to actually watch him make my pizza and then cook it for three minutes at which point it was ready for me to devour. But, that wasn’t really so much an artistic inspiration on my behalf. I just watched him be pretty with my food.
I even walked by my favorite part of the canal during my break. My artistic sight fell dim.
In reality, I have been pensive all day. Its been an unavoidable thick day. My heart feels a little tired and has an emotional hangover. Last night it was drunk on worry.
I talked with my mom at lunch - I told her I was up late last night having an anxiety attack about our family -- she laughed. For the next 10 seconds I was silently upset that she was so insensitive as to laugh at my serious emotional condition.
Her response:
“I have them everyday. I understand”
This reminded me that I am not so unique - we all have pain and we all have to get up the next morning and put our shoes on. She has to bear the brunt of the day to day ramifications of my dad and brothers illnesses. Most days she sounds upbeat and strong. She has her German gumption and order which keeps reality balanced. Hearing a small wedge of what her heart really feels at the end of the day when the world is sleeping was disturbingly a relief.
She isnt as chipper about the situation as I’d thought.
Part of me feels weak for reacting the way I have - I am not there in the day to day and I cant do anything. But, that is partially why I feel the way I feel. I am far away and can’t do anything. It kinda stinks. Its really hard.
I’d rather stay in bed and sleep. Or watch endless amounts of mindless t.v. to numb my mind and stop it from going to “that place.” You know, the place where we stress, wonder, hurt, cry and deal with the reality of hard things. Things we think we shouldn’t have to deal with - because we’re too nice, too young, too smart, too good, too rich, too poor, too ... well somehow we think we’re exempt from mortality.
We’re not exempt.
Most of me wants to turn into a butterfly and quietly set wing to a lovely beach in Mexico, Hawaii or the coast of France.
Maybe tomorrow will bring the lightness and joy of artistry. Just not today.
2 comments:
Sometimes the uninspired is your heart's way of saying something painful needs to be dealt with. For me, there is nothing like a canvas to solve this. I can sometimes fix it in hours of practice at my piano, but it's usually on a canvas where I fix what's out of whack in my heart. It's not always structure that solves it, though if I do a structured piece I get 'lost in the zone' quicker. But if I don't structure, if I go with the gut, I get to the heart of the problem faster.
I'm so sorry to hear about your family Shan. I know a little about how hard that can be. I'm here if you ever need to chat. Or pet a cute lab puppy, or have a throw down with some sculpey. :)
In response to your worries about the family here in Sac. It has been an interesting few weeks and yes, your mom is the rock of the family; although she looses some gravel occasionally.
As for me, I am actually doing very well. My brain is working better with the medication, my walking is more steady, and my hand trembling is all-but-gone.
May I remind you about the "lifeguard" rule. Stay safe and healthy yourself so that you CAN help others when necessary. Two people drowning is worse than one.
I love you and encourage you to focus on your work and personal life and let those in trouble know of your support, but from a safe distance. Even if you were here, there is little or nothing that you can do to "solve" people's problems here. They belong to each of us personally. I feel your support and love. That is what's most useful and appreciated
Stay safe. Stay healthy.
Love
Dad
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